Friday, February 1, 2013

The Rant on Mainstream Music

Congratulations to Nick C., a freshman at High Tech! A blog post he wrote as part of his class blogging assignment helped him get a writing job!  Nick will be reviewing concerts in the tri-state area for a major music blog over the next few months.  His awesome blog post, which caught the attention of the music blog, is reproduced below:

IF YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ANY OF THE FOLLOWING, PLEASE STOP READING! Adam Levine, Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Chris Daughtry, One Direction, and (this one's for you, Greg) Eminem. 
    There's no dancing around it... I hate pop music. All of it. It's terrible. The only reason Daughtry is on that list is because he is JUST popular enough and his lyrics are JUST meaningless enough for me to hate him too. Don't get me wrong, I hate all modern pop, rap, and rock songs that lack substance equally, I just picked these talent-less hacks because they were the first ones that came into my head.
     Let's see, where do I start... Oh yeah! Adam Levine! I have a few questions for him and all of his fans. Adam, dude, "I try to tell you no, but my body keeps on telling you yes," seriously?? Did you ever graduate middle school? Or are those preteen hormones still rushing through your veins in a pointless loop like cars on a Nascar track? (By the way I'll rant on Nascar some other time.) First of all, any seventh grader with a crush could have written the lyrics to that song, second, you have literally no singing ability whatsoever and even with whatever machinery/software goes into making your pathetic excuses for songs, your voice still sounds as weak as an Alvin and the Chipmunks version of Joan Rivers.
     Moving on. Rihanna. Oh, darling, where do I even begin? Your lack of talent smacked me in the face harder than a tire iron shot out of a cannon as soon as I heard Diamonds. It didn't even need a whole verse to convince me that I never wanted to hear you sing again. I don't think I've ever heard more repetitive lyrics. Was it really necessary to repeat the phrase, "Shine bright like a diamond," THAT many times? Or is every single copy of that song a broken record? Was it your intention to sing only four or five different notes throughout the whole song and have the most basic chord progression that anyone who has ever used GarageBand can throw together? Come on now, we all know you can do better than GarageBand, as it must take some pretty amazing software to get your voice to the barely tolerable stage.
     Next up, Taylor Swift. Now, I'm not going to bash her as hard as I have the others because, I admit, SOME of her songs may be considered halfway decent at very low volumes. But lately you have been going downhill faster than a snowboarder that just plummeted down an alpine cliff. At first I didn't actually believe that the title of the song about never getting back together was, in fact, we are never ever getting back together. I was hoping you would give it a title that was a little... BETTER but given your track record of literally just copying the most memorable line of your chorus and using it as a title, I should have expected to be let down. Ya know, I just have a problem with that song in general, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Is it the fact that the lyrics are redundant with no substance and could be written by anyone that has enough of a hatred for their ex? Or the general lack of effort clearly present in the making of the song? Not really sure.
     Ke$ha and Katy Perry are awful for obviously awful for many reasons. Neither can sing at all and get by on their excessive makeup and lack of brains. And I don't think either has ever sung live in front of an audience. The lyrics are typical, clubs, drugs, love, all that stupid stuff you two clearly did not grow out of when you turned 20. I think it's pretty safe to say I don't need to spend any more time on these two.
     Chris Daughtry is awful for the same reason Rihanna and Adam Levine are, his music just features an electric guitar to distract you from his monotonous, boring voice, which I actually appreciate. I say monotonous and boring because all his songs are the same. They are more identical than every song on a Nickleback album. Plus, the songs all have that sad, feel-sorry-for-me, sob-story tone and it just gets annoying. This guy complains more about life in these songs than Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears put together. I'm really tired of hearing him cry to the tune of an electric guitar and a drum beat so simple I could probably learn it (I've never played a drum set in my life).
     Do I need to go into One Direction? I doubt it, but its the same, different British boy band. They just modernized the 'appeal to American girls by telling them they're pretty' technique used by more British boy bands than there are obese people in Texas. They sing about how amazing you are and you love them for it, yeah, I get it. But can you honestly tell me that their songs are good? Can you actually tell me the lyrics have meaning? Or are they a bigger waste of time and paper than most of the bills Congress has written in the past few years?
     I hate all rap music, but Greg thought it would be a great idea to force me to listen to a few Eminem songs, so this guy will be taking the heat today. I really hope most of you out there hare rap music as well and agree that you cant understand a single word these tone deaf, stuttering idiots are saying, the songs (if you take the time to translate them into English) promote the kind of drug abuse and violence that drags so many people in this country down, and rappers themselves portray an image of disgustingly baggy clothes, not having a care in the world for the rest of society, and have a generally negative impact on the human race. Eminem in particular has a song called... *sigh* ... Drips, I think (is that right?) and if you've ever heard the song, you will know why it made me want to throw Greg's phone across the room, but I refrained, and instead threw his earbud across the table. Can this even be called music? Eminem just can't sing. I don't care how many words you can fit into one breath or how fast you can mumble, and if I were paid to listen to that whole song, I still don't think I could pull it off.
     While I hate the style of music, some pop singers at least put thought into their lyrics. Namely, Lady GaGa. While I don't like the style, I can say that, despite how much hate she gets, her lyrics actually mean something, much more than I can say for Levine, Rihanna, etc, etc. If you are really into the whole lyrical thing Rihanna desperately tries to pull off, please, just listen to ONE Adele song, just one. The Lumineers and Of Monsters and Men are 1000 times better than Harry Styles and friends could ever be, and First Aid Kit triumphs Katy Perry and Ke$ha in every respect known to the human species. I rest my case. 

No comments:

Post a Comment